I also wrote this several months ago when we were in the thick of it! I hope this is encouraging to moms who are bringing their kiddo home soon or in those first hard days!
Look at that Happy Family!
And as we left the airport, 2 minutes after that picture was taken, the honeymoon phase ended. We were alone as a family of four and Bo sweetly made comments on how cute the baby was as we buckled him into his car seat. Max woke up confused and scared in his car seat and threw up everything we'd pumped into him to keep him quiet on the plane. We had to pull over before we even got on the interstate to change his clothes and I squeezed between the two car seats to pacify the baby on the drive home. I was so tired I felt sick to my stomach. I pulled out my phone and made my first text back on America soil - to my sister-in-law - that I was scared of parenting without her help. Two parents are great but can't we just have three?!?
The first night was not awesome. We gave a screaming Max a bath and I collapsed into bed at 6:30, before even Bo did. I woke up a few hours later to my new baby crying in the pack-n-play next to me. And again a few hours later. Which became the pattern for the next few weeks. My parents couldn't stay long after keeping Bo while we were in Africa and Matt started back to work immediately and was gone long hours every day of that first week. He was even gone at night. Not only did I suddenly have an extra child to care for but
I was alone for the bedtime routine which is the worst part of parenting. One of the worst parts, anyway. And Max, well, he wasn't the same kid he was in Ethiopia. He wasn't even in the country 24 hours and I had him at the pediatrician where they drew 8 vials of blood to check for illnesses and test his vaccines. He came home with three prescriptions (nobody knew he had an ear infection), one of them being for giardia. I had a sick little baby on my hands. In a new land. With jet lag. Baby + jet lag = misery. He slept fitfully at night and hardly took naps that first week. He cried every time I laid him down and so I just didn't. I had no break from this stranger baby and interrupted sleep at night and we both were falling apart. Matt and I were exhausted and fighting over anything and everything. Because of the serious nature of his job, he was sleeping in the guest room so that he could get enough sleep to function at work. Of course I graciously did all the night wakings without ever complaining and wasn't resentful at all. Not.
(fist bump + medication)
And sweet Max had his first birthday in the midst of all this. It was not the jubilant celebration I had imagined - with friends coming to celebrate our long-awaited son. Instead, Matt couldn't even be there until almost bedtime, where we each ate a cupcake and then started the dreaded bedtime routine.
(home one day and at target already because babies need so much stuff)
As the prescriptions healed his body, our main concern became the sleep. Matt did night duty on the weekends and usually at least one night during the week. I became obsessed with looking ahead to the night when I knew I could sleep through the night while Matt took care of the baby. Max started waking up more often instead of less, and he developed a preference for his crib over the pack-n-play. For a couple weeks we had 'musical beds' and everyone slept everywhere. Matt in the guest room, Max in the crib, Bo in bed with me. Max in the crib, me in Bo's bed, Bo in the guest room. Most of the time the baby ended up in bed with one of us. And each time we put him to bed, we would spend 45 minutes or more rubbing his back and leaning over him until he fell asleep. It was so very hard. I dreaded every bedtime. Finally, we reached our breaking point. He was up every two hours, sleeping with a bottle, constantly wet from the bottle dripping, unable to soothe himself ... and we were walking zombies. A fellow adoptive mom sent me the book she had used with their son and I dove right in. Whatever your thoughts are on sleep training, we had to do something to save our marriage and our sanity and we taught our child how to sleep alone. It was so hard. But we saw results quickly. One night I went in every five minutes and held him, then laid him down, over and over - for two hours. And then after that he slept. He slept the rest of that night and the following night he slept completely through. He did it.
(halleluia. he sleeps)
When we were all in our own beds and well rested, life got much easier. But it was still a huge adjustment. I wasn't used to the needs of a one yr old and I hadn't learned to understand Max well yet. We didn't want to leave him with a sitter due to attachment reasons so there wasn't much break. Looking back I can see our situation more clearly. Max was behaving as expected in his situation. He wasn't comfortable enough to do anything on his own yet and he had no lovie or security item that put him at ease (except the bottle). There was simply no rushing him to attach. We just had to be patient and love him through it. And slowly, it got better. He spent more and more time on the floor and less time at my hip. He learned to play with toys. He became familiar enough with the house to crawl independently to other rooms. I am amazed at how quickly he has become comfortable enough to be left alone in his crib and fall asleep. It is a sign that he trusts us and knows I will come back and get him when he needs me. He is an amazing little person.
I think we did many things right and could've done some things better. We were good at allowing others in to our hard times. I didn't share with many people the hard times in the waiting period of our adoption - although I really struggled at times. It was just too personal. I made up for that after he came home . . . I'm not sure why but it just seemed right to be honest. We laugh with friends now about how brutal our first weeks were and how stormy Matt and I seemed. Maybe we were oversharing but it felt good to let others support us. We would not have made it without the dinners and help with Bo and diaper drop offs - it all lessened the load a bit in those rough early days. I wish we would've allowed for Matt to stay home a few days after we came back. We thought that after being out for over a week he needed to hit the ground running but the wiser decision would've been to hold off. And I should've planned for even more help - as parents we needed to meet all of Max's needs but we could've arranged for others to meet our needs - yard care, house cleaning, etc. Things we normally do on our own but in those first weeks it was too overwhelming to do anything beyond the basics. Our decision to invest in Max in those first weeks paid off - he is thriving!
I feel compelled to share about that hard first month - even after four weeks we were lightyears ahead of where we started and at writing, two months later, things are even better around here. I want to remember this if we ever adopt again and I'm sure that there are similar feelings when adding a newborn to the family too . . . in our case, even though I knew there would be hard times, I was still surprised by how intense those times were. I want to encourage my future self and others that it does get better! Each day marches towards a sunnier time. Patience, prayer, and GRACE.
